one of [those] days

i will not let the fact that i feel gigantic and disgusting (which is very tacky) steal the joy i get from performing (which is very, VERY fabulous).

this cannot
will not
must not
rule me anymore.

going to get onstage. going to make people laugh. going to feel alive. going to BE alive. going to love it.

being onstage is being alive

tonight i performed.
tonight i made people laugh.
tonight i did what i want to do for the rest of my life.

may 16, 2009

i graduated from baylor exactly one year ago.
it feels like yesterday.
it feels like forever.

its strange doing life without these four by my side

zach. emmie. brittany. patrick.
i am so thankful that we can and will stay friends no matter the distance between us.
i love them so much more than i can ever say.

i love my mommy.

things that make me happy!

that last post was just too sad. it's not that i didn't mean it, because i did. it's not that i don't still feel that way, to some degree, most of the time, because i do. but i just don't want all that negativity staring me in the face every time i visit my blog! so here is a list of things that make me happy (in random order). :D

• acting
• making people laugh
• my sister's beagle sinatra
• inside jokes
• dinner with my family
• facebook pictures
• baylor theatre
• improvisation
• ponies
• the internet
• stuffed animals
• my car kenneth
• quoting teen girl squad
• anything tina fey says or does
• velociraptors
• unicorns
• the color pink
• college memories
• making new friends
• being reminded of God's mercy and awesomeness
• finding new music i like
• ENCHANTED (MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIMEEE!!)
• hanging out with my sister katie
• video chats with best friends
• blogging
• waco
• iced coffee
• disney princesses
• historical fiction
• the smell of a new book
• when things are alphabetized
• text messages
• clean sheets on my bed after i've showered
• coloring
• hymns
  

and so many other things!! i feel like i could go on forever...i often forget how very blessed i am, and its so good to remember!

too much. not enough.

[friends, a warning: this post will seem whiny. this post will seem self-pitying. this post will seem like i am fishing for something. but i'm not whining. i'm not pitying (much). i'm not fishing. i'm thinking. i'm rambling. i'm letting it out. i'm trying to make sense of it. and i'm not making much progress.]

a lot of my life, i have felt like i am either too much or not enough.

i am too much.
too obsessive.
too scared.
too young.
too old.
too conservative.
too intimidating.
too lazy.
too plain.
too complicated.
too emotional.
too loud.
too much.

i am not enough.
not pretty enough.
not skinny enough.
not talented enough.
not dedicated enough.
not motivated enough.
not smart enough.
not diligent enough.
not open minded enough.
not committed enough.
not happy enough.
not funny enough.
not "enough" enough.

i am always too much or i am never enough.

and these are the character traits that have caused me to disappoint everyone.
parents. siblings. friends. professors. potential boyfriends. people who ask me why i'm not married yet. people who ask me why i'm not successful yet. people who ask me why i'm not doing what they think i should be doing or what i said i would be doing or anything at all.

i feel like a disappointment to everyone, because i am always too much or i am never enough.

and i wonder if perhaps the reason i feel so unfulfilled is because i am too busy worrying about the insignificant opinions of men instead of trying to please the One whose opinion actually matters.

and i realize i think that i am disappointing Him most of all.

i don't know how to do this on my own.
i am too much. i am not enough.

QUOTE LOVE, volume five.

I was never, no I was never, no I was never enough
But I can try, I can try to toughen up
I listened when they told me, if he burns you let him go
Change is hard
I should know

change is hard - she&him