too much. not enough.

[friends, a warning: this post will seem whiny. this post will seem self-pitying. this post will seem like i am fishing for something. but i'm not whining. i'm not pitying (much). i'm not fishing. i'm thinking. i'm rambling. i'm letting it out. i'm trying to make sense of it. and i'm not making much progress.]

a lot of my life, i have felt like i am either too much or not enough.

i am too much.
too obsessive.
too scared.
too young.
too old.
too conservative.
too intimidating.
too lazy.
too plain.
too complicated.
too emotional.
too loud.
too much.

i am not enough.
not pretty enough.
not skinny enough.
not talented enough.
not dedicated enough.
not motivated enough.
not smart enough.
not diligent enough.
not open minded enough.
not committed enough.
not happy enough.
not funny enough.
not "enough" enough.

i am always too much or i am never enough.

and these are the character traits that have caused me to disappoint everyone.
parents. siblings. friends. professors. potential boyfriends. people who ask me why i'm not married yet. people who ask me why i'm not successful yet. people who ask me why i'm not doing what they think i should be doing or what i said i would be doing or anything at all.

i feel like a disappointment to everyone, because i am always too much or i am never enough.

and i wonder if perhaps the reason i feel so unfulfilled is because i am too busy worrying about the insignificant opinions of men instead of trying to please the One whose opinion actually matters.

and i realize i think that i am disappointing Him most of all.

i don't know how to do this on my own.
i am too much. i am not enough.