its time for some RTAT.

friends. i need some RTAT (real talk about theatre).

as some of you may or may not know, when i am not busy being tacky but fabulous in my every day life, i'm an actor. BAH. that sounds so ridiculous to say. "i'm an actor." never have i ever been paid to be on stage. if that's how you define being an actor, i am not one. but i have a degree in theatre performance. i love acting. i can't NOT act. i feel most like myself when i am portraying someone else. nothing is better than taking an audience on a journey, making them laugh or think or cry or be confused or whatever. if that's how you define being an actor, i AM one of those.

anyway. i have an audition on sunday. no big deal, right? auditions are what actors do. i'm an actor (see: previous paragraph). but (here is a secret) (or if you prefer, RTAT) i am terrified/terrible at auditioning. if the word "terror" is in it, then i am that when it comes to auditioning. ugh. i hate it. probably should have thought that through before, oh, i dont know, CHOOSING MY CAREER, AMIRIGHT??

so tonight i was thinking, as i always do in the days leading up to an audition, what if i don't get it? the intellectual part of me knows that its not a big deal. people go on hundreds and thousands of auditions before they get a role; not every part is perfect for you; maybe you're just not what they're looking for; insert other theatre cliche here. but i can't help but feel that maybe it IS a big deal. i'm a year out of college and i feel stagnant and all my friends are off doing these great big things in the world of theatre and i'm here, living in my parents' house, and knowing that i shouldn't compare myself to others but not being able to help it. it would be another case of not being good enough or "what they want" enough or ENOUGH enough.

and THEN i started thinking...what if i DO get it? i mean, obviously, that would be amazing. but i couldn't help but think of all the things i would have to miss if i did get this job. how much of the next year or so would be taken up by this project. how many friends i wouldn't get to see. how many other opportunities i might have to turn down. how much of life would pass by without me involved. and even how much (wait for it...this is literally awful. it just crossed my mind for a second, but the fact that it crossed my mind AT ALL is disgusting. i seriously hate myself for this) time i wouldn't get to spend on facebook. HEADCASE, PARTY OF ME!! really, how screwed up is that?! i can't even make sense of it.

i've spent my whole life being afraid of failure. but now i am starting to feel like i am also afraid of success.